mam
i'm so conflicted about mam she did a lot of bad shit, but i'm worried i don't remember it correctly. she also did some good stuff, like buying me art supplies and paying for camp. and i worry that thing i do when i panic and lash out is why she did it too, and so i shouldn't blame her. but she did - according to dad, at least - say in court that my autism is why she hit me. which makes me angry because i wasn't diagnosed then and i hate the lying. that makes me feel like it's ok to be angry at her. i don't know if i should ever talk to her. i don't enjoy talking to her but i feel like i'd regret it if she died and i had never talked to her again. i don't know.
